JC Day 9

Okay... I made it through week one and my Anniversary AND Thanksgiving weekend without going outside the Jenny food. The only thing I had outside the eating list was 5 oz. of red wine.  Shit, it was Amarone... who can resist that, right? I even made 2 pecan pies and didn't as much as lick the spoon or eat a nut crumb.

I did 3 days good cardio this week, 20-40 minutes each.

My first weigh-in was today. So, how did I do?

They say that you can lose up to 4lbs in the first week, and that is what I did. Shit - 4 lbs. I know it's mostly water weight, ... but it's something, and it's something I'm going to take.

The food tastes okay, and I'm becoming less hungry... but I'm never truly full when my meal is over, and my cravings for sweets are never truly sated. But at the same time, I'm not starving or climbing the walls fighting the urge to eat the cookies that are in the pantry. When I'm hungry, I drink liquid or do something to keep my mind off my stomach and palate.

So now I'm thinking of next week - - 1-2lbs if I exercise and eat as the menu planner says.  I have a daunting thought in the back of my mind.  It's weakly groaning, "26 more to go... 13 more weeks at the very least of this..." I can't listen to this thought. It's like my mental Kryptonite... and it'll weaken my resolve, and then I'll slip, and if I slip, I'll feel self-disdain, and I'll sabotage myself further, and then I'll let the program crumble. And then? Then I'll be back to square one.

I'm reading a Blog post of this guy who's taken two years to lose 50lbs... he keeps cheating and justifying why he's not following the program... I admire his fortitude for not giving up, but feel for him, because when he sloughs off weeks that he gains weight or loses nothing... I know what's going on inside his thoughts as he feels entitled to eat what he wants, when he wants. But the truth is, this is why he is overweight in the first place. That's why so many North American's are overweight in the first place. A sense of self entitlement.

See, the truth is, only a rare few people in the world are able to eat what they want, when they want, and not gain weight. We don't hunt for our food anymore, and very few of us in Western civilization have to physically work for it, either.

I guess the true reality is that food is not for daily gratification and true pleasure and will never likely be again. Food is for fuel and for nutrients, and if you can make it fun and be sated by the right amounts, than you've really achieved something.  

Today I have not achieved that. But at least I have accepted what food is REALLY for - for the rest of my life. 

FYI - I am hungry right now.  I'm going to have a big glass of flavoured water and a chai tea with sweetener and read a book.

JC Day 4

It's Thursday, and I'm on day 4.

Food still tastes good, portions still seem really small... why can't vegetables taste as good and satisfy me as pasta??

Yesterday was discouraging. I'm spending the next few days with family at the cottage for Thanksgiving, so I had to "Come Out" of the Jenny closet and let them know that I won't be participating in the food and drink portion of the weekend.  My reception on this decision was less than positive to say the very least.  Here's how the conversation went:

" Oh....(pregnant pause... like, 9 months pregnant, not "Huh, I just missed my period" pregnant pause) well... what made you come to that decision?" (rude!) I explained that I was tired of looking this way, etc... then I mentioned that I wouldn't be taking part in dinner and bringing my own food, I heard another pregnant pause and then, "You should have waited until After Thanksgiving..." (psssst... still rude!)

So ass, to say the least.

My husband is supportive and my sisters and that's that.

I know for sure that this weekend's going to be a challenge.  There's not much to do but eat and drink and cook and clean the kitchen and take care of your kids... I get a little batty there sometimes.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Peace

Saw Jenny

Phew... thank God I went. Within an hour, I was set up and good to go. Meal plan, food and next appointment with the before and after pics... and the measurements, too.

Ohhh, but the scale. The fucking scale.  It's one of those maniacal scales that are waiting for a nasty slob like me to spill upon it unassumingly. It's one of those scales that when you step on it, it makes you cry.

No, I didn't really cry... but the numbers that were posted on it were nothing less than appalling... overall I could lose 30lbs instead of 20. Depending on how I look at 25 off, I'll reassess, I think.

I went through a day of eating, and, as expected, I'm hungry. The food tastes fine.. no worse than a Lean Cuisine... I just wish my stomach would take less to feel full, and have it last that way... They said I'll likely be hungry for a few days... I find that hard to believe... I remember Alec Baldwin joking about dieting. He said "Yeah, dieting's great. There's nothing more fun than being perpetually hungry all the time."  I believe him. I believe that I'm going to be perpetually hungry all the time, as well. But if I want to get this done, I'm going to have to adjust to the mindset that eating is not for pleasure or comfort or to kill boredom or soothe stress or for feeling full anymore.  Garbage in garbage out. Right.

Right...

Gonna try to get a character profile complete before I get to bet tonight... and drink a bunch of pop and water.

Peace out.

Verbal Diarrhea: I am going to see Jenny tomorrow...

Verbal Diarrhea: I am going to see Jenny tomorrow...: "Well, shit. I've finally done it. I've called Jenny, and I almost feel worse about it. Jenny Craig, that is. That's right - I'm fat. I n..."

I am going to see Jenny tomorrow...

Well, shit.

I've finally done it.  I've called Jenny, and I almost feel worse about it.

Jenny Craig, that is.

That's right - I'm fat. I need to lose 20lbs and the thought that I am that much overweight makes me want to vomit.

Some people may think that 20lbs isn't that much, but when you're 5'3"- 20lbs rears it's ugly head (or gut and ass, in my case) very noticeably.

This weight has been hanging around for awhile... I've been about 9lbs over for about 10 years now... but I've holding out, hoping that some self-driven initiative would kick-in and healthily chip away the weight and keep it off. Even after having two babies and 4 pregnancy-related abdominal surgeries, I've been able to remove the extra weight gained from that, and get back to that "naughty nine" that never leaves.  But somehow (who am I kidding, I'm fat because I eat too much) in the last six months, I've been packing on weight... up 5, down 4, up 4, down 2... until I've come to this.

I'm not going to post my weight or what size I wear. What I can tell you is that I can't even look at my body in the mirror without practically feeling distain, and that is when I suck my stomach in. I can tell you that when I am in pictures I try to hide my body, and when there are pictures of me with my body in it, I delete them or untag them wherever possible. I'll let you know that I hate going out in public, because I would feel true shame if you saw me like this. I'll share with you that when I put on my pants, I worry a button is going to pop or a zipper is going to split.  I'll admit that can't wait until the day is over so that I can come home and explode from my dress pants and pour into my forgiving pair of sweat pants.

Shit, if I were my jeans and I saw me coming, I (as the jeans) would howl at the heavens in protest, "Noooooooo! Not those thighs again!!! What have I done to deserve this!!! Whyyyyyyy!!!!"

I can't believe that this fat suit that I can't take off is supposed to be my body... it must be a mistake. I won't believe that I am supposed to surrender to middle age, and having babies, and being on antidepressants for 10 years as excuses to look this way. There is no effing way I'm going "gentle into that good night".

You know what the most shiteous thing is? It's that about 1/3 of the people out there, blogging right now, have this same heinous, daunting, craptastic suit on, too. I feel for you all, because when I look at you, I see me, which makes me look away.

So, I'm going to Jenny tomorrow... and I'll take a pic of myself tomorrow, too.

My "Last Supper" was 2 McDonalds grilled snack wraps with 1/4 of the wrap not eaten, a Rye and Diet, a kids fruit snack and a chocolate milk. I think of how addicts binge it up the last few hours before going to rehab, but I would only feel more self-loathing if I ate a Big Mac Meal or something...

Off to bed to dream of showing up naked, in this body, at my Highschool reunion.